Saiyan Horror Chicken Show
[Author's note: All right people, here goes nothing! And yes, be afraid, very
afraid. It's the Rocky Horror Picture Show, DBZ style…with chickens! Run
while you still can! J All right, there's going to be language here people.
Very cruel language! If you can't stand perverted thoughts, fishnets,
cursing, transvestites, strange people, just really sick screwed up writings,
chickens, friends popping in at random moments, corny jokes, and strange and
unusual inside jokes with pals, leave now, or forever hold your peace. On
with the show!]
[On a black screen, after the credits; a pair of lips appear in the middle,
singing the introduction to the movie]
Lips: Bulma Briefs, had a corporation
Run a-muk, with Saiyan confrontation
The fridge was full one day
The food was gone the next
All that Saiyan wanted
Was food, sleep, and sex
Then something went wrong
For Master Roshi and Oolong
Became perverts and disgraced
The entire human race
They're world was deported
And this is how it started
Saiyan Fiction, double screecher,
Bulma Briefs will have a creature
See androids riding Brad and Janet
Saiyans come from big green posters
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show
I saw a power steamer
A deep cleaning leader
In Goten's hands
When he was running errands
It scared me, made me shiver
To see a boy with an evil figure
Cleaning houses and dusting shelves
Washing dishes and tasting elves
Licking mushrooms and singing Elvis
It was like a Texan clucking pelvis
He was high, I could tell
Claiming he was a happy windmill
Like a...
Saiyan Fiction, double screecher,
Bulma Briefs will have a creature
See androids riding Brad and Janet
Saiyans come from big green posters
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show
Wo oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show
I wanna go - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
By R.K.O - Wo oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
Fuck the back row - Oh oh oh oh
To the late night, double feature, picture show
[Fade from the lips into an office. The Ox King has been squished into a
teeny tiny port-a-chair, and is turning quite red. Books, a globe, papers,
and other things clutter up the desk the Ox King is sitting behind. A very
large book sits in front of him. He stares blankly at the screen, sweating
nervously]
OX KING: Hello there. [pauses, as the shuffle of paper is heard] My name is
Ox King. [pauses once again as papers are rattled and shuffled again] I'm
hear to tell you about a very special story. [glares at the people off screen
as books and random papers are thrown across the screen. The Ox King is hit
in the head with a large box, he opens it, and pulls out a strange looking
machine, he reads off the label] Swedish Made Neck Enlarger?
CREW MEMBER: [from off screen] No neck! No neck! [off screen crowd starts
chanting 'no neck']
OX KING: [with a hurt look on his face and tears in his eyes, he shoves a
pastry in his mouth] You guys are mean! [Blows his nose loudly]
CREW MEMBER: [stomps on screen and slaps the Ox King in the head with a paper
airplane] Get on with it!
OX KING: [wiping a tear from his eye] Fine! To tell you the truth people,
this is an inappropriate, seductive, sexual cult classic about transvestites
and hot chicks in fishnets! This movie is not for people with a weak bladder!
[The camera is abruptly shut off, and angry shouts and voices are heard. A
chopping sound ends the session, and the screen turns black, and slowly fades
into a picture of a couple arguing in a cemetery]
VEGETA: Well we all know that Betty Monroe can cook, you can't!
BULMA: Well at least she's good in bed! [Long pause…crickets are heard
chirping in the background]
BULMA: Hey Vegeta.
VEGETA: Yes Brad…err…Bulma?
BULMA: I've got something to say.
VEGETA: Uh huh…
BULMA: I love the...Saiyan way
You beat the other boys
In men's croquet
VEGETA: It's a talent I ha- [is cut off by Bulma singing in a deep manly
voice]
BULMA: The balloon was pink but I blew it [random people appear out of no
where and start doing the cancan and dancing behind Vegeta and Bulma, singing
the chorus]
RANDOM PEOPLE: Screw it.
BULMA: The cat was stuck but I shooed it
RANDOM PEOPLE: Screw it
BULMA: So please, don't tell me to clue in
RANDOM PEOPLE: Screw it
BULMA: I've one thing to say and that's
Dammit Janet, I love you
VEGETA: But…my name isn't- [once again cut off by Bulma singing]
BULMA: The game sucked so I booed it
RANDOM PEOPLE: Screw it
BULMA: My big toenail broke so I glued it
RANDOM PEOPLE: Screw it
BULMA: The cow was sick so I screwed it
RANDOM PEOPLE: [a long pause, while looking about anxiously]
BULMA: I've one thing to say, and that's
Dammit Janet, I love you
VEGETA: My name is not Jan- [Once again cut off by Bulma]
BULMA: [kneeling down and holding out a plastic box, opening it and holding
out a small plastic needle]
Here's the syringe to prove that I'm no joker
There's three ways that bunnies can breed
That's injection, infection, or radiation
Oh B-U-L-M-A, you're my sex toy!
VEGETA: [a long pause, turning off screen and furiously cursing in some
unknown language, with a cat continuing to meow back at him] What? Khakis
aren't cool? See now I'm going to have to disagree with you, I think- [a cat
meows] Well fuck you too! [Vegeta falls into an empty grave and sits down,
holding up the syringe]
VEGETA: Oh, it's nicer than Mr. DeBrew's!
RANDOM PEOPLE: I'm screwed
VEGETA: Now I'm in a hole and I'm in the mood
RANDOM PEOPLE: I'm screwed
VEGETA: In the mood, for food [pauses as a 'Winnie the Pooh' stuffed figure
is thrown in the grave]
RANDOM PEOPLE: I'm screwed
VEGETA: I've one thing to say, and that's
Brad, I'm mad, for you too… [after a pause] Her name's not Brad…
BULMA: Oh, damnit
VEGETA: [shrugs, and continues reading the script] I'm mad
BULMA: Oh, Janet
VEGETA: For you
BULMA: I love you too
VEGETA and BULMA: There's one thing left to do, ah-hoo!
BULMA: And that's go see the melted bunnies!
RANDOM PEOPLE: Oh honey
BULMA: I heard that they're really funny
RANDOM PEOPLE: Oh honey
BULMA: They must glow and look sunny
RANDOM PEOPLE: Oh honey
BULMA: Now I've one thing to say, and that's
Dammit Janet, I love you
Dammit, Janet
VEGETA: [hesitating to read the script, and still sitting in the grave while
Bulma is looking down at him, singing opera style] Oh Brad, I'm mad
BULMA: Dammit, Janet
VEGETA and BULMA: [very badly harmonized…] I love you
[Bulma and Vegeta slowly fade, while they're fading away and becoming see
through and what not, Barf and Captain Lone Star appear in their place, with
a big, burning sun in the middle. They stare blankly at the sun, when
finally, Barf breaks the silence…]
BARF: Nice dissolve.
[Screen turns black, and then slowly fades into a picture of Bulma and Vegeta
driving. Vegeta, and Bulma Briefs are driving quietly during the night, just
a few hours after announcing their engagement. Vegeta is sitting behind the
wheel of the old car, the radio is blurting out unsettled announcements about
the honorable Mr. Satan. Bulma is sitting beside Vegeta, reading a paper and
chewing on a lollipop. Suddenly, a cloud goes zooming past the car.]
VEGETA: [with his head out the window] You damn flying maniacs! I hope you
run into a mushroom atomic bomb you freaking raindrop! [turns back to Bulma,
smiling happily]
BULMA: [with her pinkie finger held to her mouth] Right… [The car suddenly
lurches forward, and the front end of the car disappears in a large explosion
of silly putty and immortal goo]
VEGETA: Damnit!
BULMA: I'm coming with you! The owner of that house might be a beautiful
woman!
CREW MEMBER: Saionji is!
VEGETA: [Getting out of the car and dragging Bulma with him] Stupid goo-goo
mines.
BULMA: [walking behind Vegeta and holding a shaven monkey above her head for
protection from the rain] Vegeta! My monkey is getting wet!
VEGETA: Quit your bickering! Look! There's a port-a-castle over there!
[Bulma and Vegeta continue to walk by a gate, ignoring the warning sign.
Suddenly, music plays and lightening crackles and hail the size of
basketballs start pouring from the sky]
CREW MEMBER: [from off screen] Psst! Spiky hair! This is your cue man!
[Vegeta ki blasts the man and the person turns to smoldering ashes]
BULMA: In the purple north
Of the northerly pole
Burning bright
There's a guiding elf
No matter what or who you are
VEGETA and BULMA: There's an elf…
RANDOM PEOPLE: Over at the Frankenstein place
VEGETA and BULMA: There's an elf
CREW MEMBER: [shouting from off screen] Where's Santa?
RANDOM PEOPLE: Burning in the fireplace
VEGETA and BULMA: There's an elf, elf
In the darkness of everybody's life
[Up in the window of the port-a-castle, Krillin stands there, dressed as a
butler, grinning and waving peace signs to everyone, he gets hit in the head
with a shoe]
KRILLIN: [in a very bad voice…] The elf must go
Down the river of Mrs. Clauses stitching
Flow thread and needle
Let the fabric come revealing
Into my life, into my life
VEGETA and BULMA: There's an elf
RANDOM PEOPLE: Over at the Frankenstein place
VEGETA and BULMA: There's an elf
CREW MEMBER: [shouting from off screen] Where's Santa?
RANDOM PEOPLE: Burning in the fireplace
There's an elf, an elf
VEGETA and BULMA: In the darkness of everybody's life
[Vegeta and Bulma appear in front of the door to the port-a-castle. Vegeta
whacks the door several times, only to hear struggling on the other side,
finally the door opens to reveal a very classically dressed Krillin, who is
still very short]
VEGETA: What took you so long?
KRILLIN: I couldn't reach the doorknob.
VEGETA: Oh… [Gets poked in the ribs by Bulma] Oh! Oh yeah. My name is Vegeta
Briefs.
CREW MEMBER: [a crowd shouting from off screen] Asshole!
VEGETA: [pauses to look around for a minute, then continues] And this is my
wife [drapes an arm around Bulma] Bulma Briefs.
CREW MEMBER: [a crowd shouting from off screen] Slut!
BULMA: [After looking around a bit to find the people who were shouting,
nervously;] Hi…
KRILLIN: [Looking Vegeta and Bulma up and down] Hello…
CREW MEMBER: [a crowd shouting from off screen] Look between Bulma's legs!
KRILLIN: You're wet…
BULMA: Yes…it's hailing.
KRILLIN: [in a giddy voice] Do you promise to give me erotic pleasure if I
give you the Continuum Transfunctioner?
VEGETA: [Looking to Bulma with a nervous look] sure…why not.
[Bulma and Vegeta walk inside, walking through a set of doors to stop in a
hallway. A staircase is to their right, and a strange looking elevator is in
front of them. Before they can move, Krillin closes the door and moves toward
down the hallway.]
KRILLIN: This way…
CREW MEMBER: Follow the bouncing thumb! [author's note: take a look at
riffraff's thumb as he leads Brad and Janet into the room, before the Time
Warp begins, it's pretty funny]
[The inside of the castle is decorated in late-century Martha Stewart. Very
late century Martha Stewart. The clock suddenly explodes, and Krillin rushes
over to scoop up the pieces. Juuhachi-gou suddenly appears sitting on his
back, wearing a skimpy maid's outfit, complete with apron and feather duster.
Her hair is bright magenta colored, and poofy.]
JUUHACHI-GOU: He's lucky! I'm lucky, you're lucky, we're all lucky!
Mwuhahahaha! [Music starts up, and Krillin starts dancing around with
Juuhachi-gou]
KRILLIN: It's astonishing
Chickens are devouring
Cows have taken their toll
But listen closely
JUUHACHI-GOU: Not for very much longer…
KRILLIN: I've got to keep control [music picks up to a faster beat]
I remember doing the Cow-Bongo
Snorting those moments when
The pinkies would hit me
KRILLIN and JUUHACHI-GOU: And the cows would be mooing! [Krillin and
Juuhachi-gou chase Vegeta and Bulma into the main room, where several people
are doing the chicken dance in cow costumes]
RANDOM PEOPLE: Let's do the Cow Bongo again
Let's do the Cow Bongo again [the screen turns back to the Ox King, who has a
monkey sitting on his lap, he is spanking the monkey]
OX KING: It's just a step to the middle
RANDOM PEOPLE: The cat played the fiddle
OX KING: With your hands on your spleen
RANDOM PEOPLE: You swing your udder to the right!
But it's the pharyngeal thrust
That really drives you bizarre
Let's do the Cow Bongo again
Let's do the Cow Bongo again
JUUHACHI-GOU: It's so creamy
Oh, skim milk, free me!
So I can't think
No, not at all
In another cow-mention
With dietary intention
Well concluded, I milk all
KRILLIN: With a slab of meat
JUUHACHI-GOU: You're into the milk beat
KRILLIN: And chickens, will never look the same
JUUHACHI-GOU: You're spaced out on sensation
KRILLIN: But you're not under sedation!
RANDOM PEOPLE: Let's do the Cow Bongo again!
Let's do the Cow Bongo again!
[Chichi suddenly appears, sitting on a rake in the middle of the floor. She's
dressed in very revealing, leather clothing. She has a whip with her. A
Translyvanian runs. On with the show.]
CHICHI: [in a very high-pitched angry voice, she holds up her whip] Well I
was sitting in the kitchen
Just a having a think
When that Goku guy took away the sink
He tore apart the shelves, and broke the chairs
Chewed up the lamps, peed on the stairs
He stared at me and I felt a change
I whipped him bad, he wasn't seen again
RANDOM PEOPLE: Let's do the Cow Bongo again
Let's do the Cow Bongo again
[The picture fades out and whips back to the Ox King, who is still spanking
that poor naked monkey. Except he's spanking it harder now.]
OX KING: It's just a step to the middle
RANDOM PEOPLE: The cat played the fiddle
OX KING: With your hands on your spleen
RANDOM PEOPLE: You swing your udder to the right!
But it's the pharyngeal thrust
That really drives you bizarre
Let's do the Cow Bongo again
Let's do the Cow Bongo again
[The random people fall down, and Vegeta and Bulma nervously start toward the
door. Suddenly, the unmistakable sound of metal feet on metal floor reaches
the ears of everyone. The random people that had fallen down, now stand up
and make a straight line, on either side of the red carpet that just appeared
before them. All the random people proceed to do the well known Spaceballs
Salute. Vegeta and Bulma back up nervously, bumping into the elevator. Bulma
looks up to see a rather tall man, Goku, wearing fishnets, a hula skirt, and
a very large, dark helmet. Bulma screams, and faints. Vegeta shrugs and trips
the man in the helmet as he walks down the stairs…err, rolls down the stairs.
He stands up, and turns off screen.]
GOKU: The night is young, and you're so beautiful. [to people off screen]
B-flat. [music starts playing]
[The screen turns black, and on it, appears the Ox King, still spanking his
monkey]
OX KING: Oh yeah! My monkey! My monkey! You know you want to see me spanking
my monkey! I'm a Jedi knight, and the force is strong with me! Pansy ass butt
munchers! [The monkey bites his arm off…] That was not funny. That, was my
fuckin' arm! [After a long, sad pause] You done gone and made me use the 'f'
word. That ain't cool. [Monkey bites his other arm off…] Oh fuck! Mother
fucker! Fuckin' a!
[The screen turns black, and it quickly goes back to Goku, who's been quickly
reading over the script. The music is still playing, and Goku now turns
around to face Vegeta and Bulma]
GOKU: [while prancing up and down the carpet..] How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful balding man
He's just a little brought down because
When you rang
He thought you were here to give him erotic pleasure [after a pause…and some
beats of music…]
Don't get flipped out,
By the way I sing
I've had laryngitis
Before… [walking up to a high chair that's across from him]
I'm not much of a lover, by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a man [pulling off his *large* helmet and
tossing it to the ground]
I'm just a twisted translucent
From glorious Guatemala [after another small pause, and several beats of
music…]
Let me show you my place
Maybe, get you a new face?
You both look like you're a little tense
Or if you want something visual
That's not too abysmal
We could watch another Martha Stewart movie
BULMA: I'm glad we caught you in your house
Could we kill that mouse?
Vegeta darling's a bit afraid of it
CREW MEMBER: Left!
VEGETA: Right!
CREW MEMBER: Left!
BULMA: We'll just say where we are…
Then go back to the car
CREW MEMBER: [drowning out the last sentence] We both want to fuck Tim Curry!
GOKU:
Well you don't want presidential sex
Well, that's quite a fix
Well Saiyans, don't you, panic
By the light of midnight
It'll all seem quite right
I'll get you a Laplandic mechanic
I'm just a twisted translucent
From glorious Guatemala [sitting down on his throne, his feet kicked up with
Chichi holding them. On his other side, Krillin sits there, and above the
throne, Juuhachi-gou is happily leaning on it]
GOKU: Why don't you stay with us, please?
KRILLIN: please?
GOKU: We've got plenty of cheese
CHICHI: Cheese! [Everyone grins happily, and somewhere nearby, a camera
flashes]
GOKU: I could tell you my exotic confession
I've been making a man [says this while rubbing Krillin's head]
With a bald head, and a tan
And he's good for relieving my
CREW MEMBER: [from off screen] sexual!
GOKU: tension
I'm just a twisted translucent
From glorious Guatemala [while shaking his hips back and forth like a hula
girl…]
Bite me! Bite me! [Juuhachi-gou, Krillin, and Chichi grab a random arm or leg
and bite it, Goku screams out in pain]
GOKU: I'm just a twisted translucent
KRILLIN, JUUHACHI-GOU, and CHICHI: Twisted translucent!
GOKU: From glorious…
KRILLIN, JUUHACHI-GOU, and CHICHI: Guatemala! [Goku happily skips over to the
elevator, staring out at Vegeta and Bulma, grinning happily]
GOKU: So come up to the lair
And see what's hanging in the air
I see you shiver with antici…
CREW MEMBER: Say it! Say it! Consta…
GOKU: Pation…
But maybe the hail!
Isn't really to credit
So I'll take away the cold
But not the heat
VEGETA: [looking to Bulma rather nervously] That didn't make any sense…
BULMA: All for getting back in the boat say 'I'!
[Before Vegeta and Bulma can move, Chichi, Juuhachi-gou, and Krillin suddenly
come up and start peeling off their cloths, revealing Vegeta in a bra,
panties and a night skirt, and Bulma in briefs. Just briefs. Scary, isn't it?
Juuhachi-gou shoves them toward the elevator where Krillin and Chichi are
already waiting, drinking sparkling raspberry soda and eating cocktail
weenies. The elevator moves up, and slowly the picture fades out. Then, fades
back into reveal the entire group that was once in the elevator now standing
in a pink room. Why pink? I have no clue. Pink is scarier. Krillin,
Juuhachi-gou and Chichi walk off, and do stuff off screen, leaving Vegeta and
Bulma alone. They are currently scared, very scared. Suddenly, right when
Goku is about to shake hands with Vegeta and Bulma, a girl comes running in.
She has dark brown curly hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a tight tube-top,
and a skirt that's very revealing. She runs up to Goku, and holds out two red
dice. Suddenly, Miguel and Tulio appear. Tulio grabs the dice away from her.]
TULIO: Where did you get those!
MIGUEL: [with a smirk and a sexy gleam in his eye] Where was she keeping
them? [He holds out his hands and does an Egyptian dance thing, then smirks
and lifts his eyebrows several times very fast…very sexy man…*author stops
drooling…* (author's note: but of course Dan is WAY beyond sexier. he's a
sexy bitch baby yeah!) very sexy. Every girl, those who are playing for the
right team, in the room faints.]
TULIO: [To Miguel] Stop that! You always get all the girls!
MIGUEL: Do not!
TULIO: Do too!
MIGUEL: Do not!
TULIO: Do too! Mom! [Tulio and Miguel run off screen, while the girl that had
hidden the dice, *somewhere…*, remains behind]
VEGETA: Who are you? [The girl whirls around to him, grinning like mad,
pointing at her bracelet, which has the name 'Trixie' on it. We now assume
her name is Trixie.]
TRIXIE GIRL: Hi there! You can call me Trixie La Dixie. I'm your biggest fan!
[Without warning, The Trixie girl draws Vegeta close and kisses him on the
lips passionately. She grins, the backs away. Some man appears, with green
hair and cateyes, with little beads on his hands and whatnot, with the name
'Kusanagi printed out across his white T-shirt. We assume his name is
Kusanagi, the plant man.]
KUSANAGI: Get away from her! She's my sexy hotpants! [Kusanagi punches Vegeta
in the face, then turns to the Trixie girl.]
TRIXIE GIRL: [In the same voice as Columbia when she screams 'Eddie!']
Kusanagi!
KUSANAGI: [putting an arm around Trixie] So…where *were* you keeping those
dice?
TRIXIE GIRL: If you reach down my bra you'll find them!
[the screen turns black and a white board is held up by random hands, the
board says: 'Since the author thinks this is inappropriate for little kiddies
(author's note: why are little kiddies reading this?) then we've decided to
erase what Trixie said because, as much fun as it would've been for Trixie,
we don't want Mr. Kusanagi reaching down her shirt. Thank you, and have a
nice stay at the Holiday Inn.']
TRIXIE GIRL: You don't want to know! [she skips off stage doing the fancy
little Irish Skip. A very strange mental skip indeed. Kusanagi follows her,
doing the same Irish *Mental* Skip]
GOKU: [clearing his throat and watching Bulma bitchslap Vegeta several times]
Well…anyway. Let me entertain…umm… [chuckles quietly, extending his hand
toward Vegeta, who pokes it with a stick several times, and then shakes hands
with the man]
VEGETA: My name is Vegeta Briefs.
CREW MEMBER: [crowd shouting from off screen] *cough* Asshole!
VEGETA: And this is my wife, Bulma Beefs.
CREW MEMBER: [crowd shouting from off screen] *cough* Slut!
BULMA: Briefs…
VEGETA: Yes…briefs.
GOKU: Well, it's not often that we get visitors here at the Port-a-castle.
Let alone, offer them hospitality.
VEGETA: [raising his fist and ready to beat Goku] Hospitality!
BULMA: [Holding Vegeta back.] Vegeta! There's no point in beating Dead Horse!
VEGETA: [mutters something and then turns away] Humph.
GOKU: [walking over to a fish tank with a man inside and several little
fishes swimming around] Come on! I don't have all day! Hurry it up with
that…wheel thing so I can spin it all ready!
[A wheel is lowered from above and Goku proceeds to hit it with a rubber
mallet until the man comes to life. At this moment, he giggles like a happy
little schoolgirl on heroine. Music starts playing, and the man, Trunks, is
stripped of his clothes, except for his gold chastity belt, it's an everlast,
and little booties. He starts dancing around and doing strange things to the
local transvestites that had attended his…birth. He starts singing, and yet,
he can't talk. And later on, you'll find out that for a seven-hour-old, he
works well with electronics…but can't swim. Anyway, he's singing.]
TRUNKS: The mind of the author is hanging over my head
And I've got the feeling she's going to take me to bed
Oh, woe is me
My life is strange
You see
I'm at the start of a mental meltdown
I woke up this morning with a scar when I was hit in the head
RANDOM PEOPLE: That ain't no pain!
TRUNKS: And left from my nightmares with a vision of red
RANDOM PEOPLE: That ain't no pain!
TRUNKS: My mouth is slow
I'm dressed up with no one to show
And all I know
Is I'm at the start of a mental meltdown
GOKU: Oh, Trunksie!
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
GOKU: Oh, my baby!
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: The mind of the author is hanging over my head
GOKU: Oh, really!
RANDOM PEOPLE: That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: And I've got the feeling she's going to take me to bed
RANDOM PEOPLE: That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh, woe is me
My life is creepy
You see
I'm at the start of a mental meltdown
GOKU: Come here!
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
RANDOM PEOPE: Sha la la la
That ain't no crime
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
That ain't no pain
Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
TRUNKS: Oh no no no
RANDOM PEOPLE: Sha la la la
That ain't no pain
That ain't no pain
Sha la la
[Vegeta and Bulma smile pleasantly while Goku chases Trunks around the room,
finally stopping back at the fish tank. Goku starts hugging Trunks bare leg,
and Vegeta's smile fades as he picks up his cell phone and reports the castle
to the police and local mental asylum…]
GOKU: No need for a straight jacket Vegeta. I think I can control Trunks just
fine. How do you like him?
BULMA: Well, I don't like…umm…my son, in that way.
GOKU: Uh…is that in the script?
CREW MEMBER: Get on with it!
GOKU: So, what now…
CREW MEMBER: You! Fuzzy head! [Goku looks off screen] Sing!
GOKU: I love you…you love me…
CREW MEMBER: No! Sing the song!
GOKU: Oh…ahem! [clears throat as music begins to play…]
GOKU: A weakling weighing eighty-twelve pounds
Will get bugs in his face
When stuck to the ant mound
And soon in the pool
With a stubborn rule
The chlorine in his eyes
As he works for apple pies
Will make him cry
And sob, with weak shoulders
And just a ton of boulders
He'll be black, and quite dirty
He'll be a weaker man
Then he was before
RANDOM PEOPLE: But the strong man
GOKU: He'll eat fatty foods, sugar itself
And break eggs with a hammer
Building up his
Laryngeal glamour
As he struggles and cries
If only he knew
What a can opener was…
RANDOM PEOPLE: Modern kitchen utensils…
GOKU: He'll do pushups and curlups
Doing jumping jacks and pull-ups
He thinks physical tension
Is quite a hard work
If he would only understand
Workout for a potato chip
And some ravioli dip
Oh, baby
I can make you a Saiyan
[Goku cleans his knife and prepares to fatten up Trunks for slaughter.
Suddenly, the door to the freezer melts down and the ice inside breaks open.
Juunana-gou comes through the ice, on a bicycle with training wheels. He
receives snickers from a few of the audience members. He's wearing a white
wife-beater tank top, with a leather jacket over it, and a scarf over that.
And jeans that are way too big for him. They are going to fall off. *Author
whistles! * Music starts playing. Swing music…let's pretzel!]
JUUNANA-GOU: Whatever happened to Friday night?
When you grabbed someone and fried them, all right!
It don't seem the same since Clinton came in
Made that illegal, never fried again
It was my aunt last time, never liked that bitch
She'd hug me and kiss me and guess what, she's rich
Music would play and we would swing
Good thing we had bells to ring
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
RANDOM PEOPLE: [while the random people are dancing and doing random things]
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
[Juunana-gou suddenly whips out a harp and sits down on a stool. The room
becomes dark and a light from the ceiling shines down on only him. Pixie dust
creates a halo around his body, and he is now in an angel costume, wings,
halo, and toga complete. He strikes a few tunes, playing some very heavenly,
and you get the picture. Suddenly, the lights flick on, the entire scene is
washed down the toilet, and Juunana-gou's back to swing dancing and
pretzeling with this really nice girl that appeared out of no where so
Juunana-gou, darling, wouldn't have to touch that ugly bitch Chichi.]
JUUNANA-GOU: My head swam with the mushrooms I ate
My hands sort of fumbled with the fish bait
I'd go fishing with mushrooms and worms
The fish, Woo! How they made me squirm
Get back to the house, feed your mom
Then get right in back, sit on the john
While the music was playing and the ants danced
Rudolph, Dasher, and What Not pranced
We really had a good time
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
RANDOM PEOPLE: [they're still doing random things, by the way] Hot patootie,
bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
[Like the same scene before: Juunana-gou suddenly whips out a harp and sits
down on a stool. The room becomes dark and a light from the ceiling shines
down on only him. Pixie dust creates a halo around his body, and he is now in
an angel costume, wings, halo, and toga complete. He strikes a few tunes,
playing some very heavenly, and you get the picture. Suddenly, the lights
flick on, the entire scene is washed down the toilet, and Juunana-gou's back
to swing dancing and pretzeling with this really nice girl that appeared out
of no where so Juunana-gou, darling, wouldn't have to touch that ugly bitch
Chichi.]
RANDOM PEOPLE: [still dancing and doing random things…]
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
Hot patootie, bless my soul
Really love that swing control
[The music continues on while Juuhachi-gou and Krillin are doing
Kami-knows-what in the freezer, the people are dancing, and Juunana-gou's
rolling around on the floor with that one girl. Chichi's off sulking who
knows where, and Goku has just walked up behind Juunana-gou, holding up a
prickly little needle. Juunana-gou stops dancing with the girl, who walks
away, and Chichi takes her place. Juunana-gou runs away, with Goku running
after him and pricking him with the needle.]
JUUNANA-GOU: If you prick us, do we not get bummed?
GOKU: [holding out a bowl of bad guacamole] If we eat bad guacamole, do we
not blow chunks?
JUUNANA-GOU: If you screw us, do we not get screwed?
[Juunana-gou is chased into the freezer, while the rest of the group stays
silent and crickets are heard in the background. Blood explodes from the
freezer, and Goku comes back out, dropping the needle and smiling
delightfully. He runs to Trunks, who's still sitting in the tank, where he
was before. He's sleeping, and snoring.]
GOKU: Oh Trunks! Baby! I'm sorry you had to see that. He was just
too…[pauses, searching for the right words]… un-muscular, I suppose I'll
say. [Trunks strikes a hot pose, Goku screams out in happiness, and music
starts up once again as he sings]
GOKU: But what a chin and a larynx [while walking around, striking poses, and
kicking his leg up to touch the back of his head…]
A hot groin and a pharynx
Makes me - Ooh! - quiver!
Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the…
CREW MEMBER: [shouting from off stage and drowning out the last word of the
sentence] balls!
RANDOM PEOPLE: [also striking poses and singing and what not] In just seven
hours!
GOKU: Oh, honey
RANDOM PEOPLE: I can make you a Saiyan
GOKU: I don't want no distractions
Just sexual temptations
VEGETA: [in a high-pitched, girlie voice] I'm a muscle fan! [Bulma slaps him]
RANDOM PEOPLE: In just seven hours
I can make you a Saiyan!
GOKU: Bite me, if you can
RANDOM PEOPLE: In just seven hours
I can make you a Saiyan
[Goku walks off arm in arm with Trunks, who is protesting and winking at
Vegeta the whole while. Father son bonding, huh? Anyway, the screen fades out
and fades back in to reveal the Ox King doing kami-knows-what to that poor
monkey. He smiles gratefully, zips up his fly, then turns to the camera,
hiding the naked monkey behind his back.]
OX KING: All right people. You've got things to do, I've got people to screw.
I'll do the short version. All right, Goku here took Trunks and screwed the
hell out of him. Now it's dark, Vegeta and Bulma have been sent to separate
rooms, and now Goku's going to teach THEM a lesson about the birds and bees.
There you are, now go away, I've go business to attend to.
[Screen fades black, then fades back into a picture of Juuhachi-gou and
Krillin watching intently on a monitor while Goku sneaks into Bulma's room as
Vegeta.]
GOKU: [in a high-pitched, girlie voice] Oh! Bulma! It's no good here, they'll
destroy us!
BULMA: [hugging Goku and kissing him] It's all right Jan--…err…Vegeta! Don't
worry! Woo! [Giggles] Oh Vegeta…that tickles! [Bulma accidentally pulls off
Goku's…uh…wig.]
BULMA: Oh! Oh! It's you! What have you done with Vegeta?
GOKU: Nothing! Why, do you think I should?
BULMA: Oh! If you had glued that wig on tighter, or if you had only asked me
first, I would gladly have given myself over to you!
GOKU: Really?
BULMA: [blushing] Uh huh…
GOKU: Oh…well…umm… [He scratches his head for a minute, thinking]
Umm…Bulma…would you…uh…please…uh… [thinks for another moment]
BULMA: [giggling and blushing furiously] Yes?
GOKU: Can I just plain out right say it?
BULMA: [giggling hysterically and blushing a bright glowing red] Uh huh.
GOKU: Uh…Bulma. Would you…uh…please…screw me?
BULMA: [giggling once again…jeez! What a giggler!] Uh huh!
GOKU: Well…that was easy enough.
[The scene fades out and appears to see Juuhachi-gou mopping the floor, with
Krillin by her side, ravishing her other hand with kisses and what not. Why
you ask? Because this author does not write detailed sexual scenes. Her
friend does. Go ask her to fill you in on the details. Anyway, Krillin has a
Spaceballs the Flame Thrower, and he's looking at Trunks with an evil eye. We
can imagine the next scene. Krillin fries Trunks. Poor Trunks. See Trunks
run. See Trunks run from dogs. See Trunks run back into the castle and hide
in his tank and sob. See Krillin attack Juuhachi-gou's neck. Krillin be
vampire! Bad grammar, sorry. And now, the scene fades out, and the picture
appears to show Vegeta hugging Goku , who is dressed as Bulma…]
GOKU: [in a manly voice] I'm so brave and strong. I shall protect you.
VEGETA: [in a girlie voice] Oh! Bulma! Make love to me!
GOKU: Uh…ok.
VEGETA: Oh you have such beautiful eyes.
GOKU: Yes, I know, they turn me on.
VEGETA: And such a beautiful ear.
GOKU: Yes, I know, it turns me on.
VEGETA: [giggling madly] You're making me blush!
GOKU: You have beautiful hair.
VEGETA: [accidentally pulls off Goku's wig] Oh! Oh! It's you! Oh! I'd never,
never! Never!
GOKU: But you have such beautiful eyes. They turn me on.
VEGETA: [blushing] Stop that!
GOKU: And such beautiful toes…I like your toes.
VEGETA: [giggling] Oh! Stop! I mean, help!
GOKU: [the sound of metal echoing through a hollow surface, Goku rubbing his
head] What! Chastity belt! Oh…call the locksmith!
VEGETA: Oh! Yes…it's an Everlast! [giggling]
GOKU: Oh well…I can just…umm…hug you!
VEGETA: Oh… *Snort* Oh! Oh gosh! Oh no!
GOKU: [curiously] What?
VEGETA: Oh…my spleen just exploded.
GOKU: Oh…that turns me on…
[once again: This author does not write detailed sexual scenes. Her friend
does. Go ask her to fill you in on the details.]
*Juuhachigou's (WebMaster's) Note: Just to let you know, her friend is me! ^_^ :P*
[The scene slowly fades out to show Bulma climbing the steps of the big toy
in the middle of the castle, and then sliding down one strange
looking…slide…thing, and then walking over to a strange machine. Sniffling
and sobbing, she holds up a key. The key to turn the machine on. Bulma turns
on the machine.]
BULMA: [while turning the machine on] Oh…oh Brad! How could I do this to you,
my darling? What am I saying? How could I do this to Frank?! Oh dear me…
[Bulma hears mumbling, grumbling and moans and groans and *pause…* ok, this
is getting a bit too intimate…and I know that some of you sick perverts out
there would be very glad if I continued to write in this manner. What the
hell am I saying? I'm a sick pervert! Ha ha! *continues writing in this
manner* Anyhoo. Bulma hears groaning from the tank that's in the corner. She
waddles over to it, for suddenly, she has been turned into a penguin by an
over-active…imagination. And over in the corner, a Ken doll wearing golden
underwear has a *friendly* conversation with mini Stacy doll dressed in a fur
coat. But moving on, Bulma has disappeared, and soon we hear screaming and
the whir of can-opener blades. In her place, is Vegeta, wearing a chicken
costume, and lying on a massage table with Trunks, still in gold undies,
happily sitting on his back, giving him a *sensual* massage. Vegeta does not
realize it's his…umm…son. Soon enough, the mood strikes, and Vegeta opens
his mouth…to sing! (pervs… *Grin*) And so, Vegeta sings…]
VEGETA: [softly] I was feeling dead…
Feeling a little light, in the head
My body wouldn't move
CHICHI: You mean he's?
JUUHACHI-GOU: Uh-huh.
VEGETA: I thought I'd never see
Another, bright green tree
Never feel the wind
On my tubby old chin
Now all I know,
Is I'll never go
I've licked a cow
It said, 'bow wow'
CHICHI and JUUHACHI-GOU: Bow wow wow…
VEGETA: I feel weak with ease
A little wobbly on the knees
I'm a bit depressed…
I need to be dressed!
Pluck-a pluck-a pluck-a pluck me!
I want to be a turkey!
Take me, shake me, and bake me!
Chicken, of the night!
[A short little musical solo, while Vegeta is now having erotic sensual
daydreams… while his son is massaging him. Oh this author is such a sick
person. And proud.]
VEGETA: Then if anything moves *giggle*
I'll give it the grooves
Then it'll eat with again
With cheese and pretty men
CHICHI and JUUHACHI-GOU: Men men men…
VEGETA: And that's just one small nail
Of the entire pail
You need to be deloused
I need to be re-housed!
Pluck-a pluck-a pluck-a pluck me!
I want to be a turkey!
Take me, shake me, and bake me!
Chicken of the night!
[The scene abruptly cuts to Chichi and Juuhachi-gou having their lesbian
ritual dance. Or whatever. Chichi and Juuhachi-gou are randomly grabbing each
other and sticking blow dryers down each others shirts. No more details,
please, we'll all have nightmares. Anyway, they sing in their strange voices
and start to make fun of Vegeta by copying him…]
CHICHI: [in a high-pitched squeaky voice] pluck-a, pluck-a, pluck-a, pluck me!
JUUHACHI-GOU: [in her accented voice] I want to be a turkey
CHICHI: Take me, shake me, and bake me!
JUUHACHI-GOU: Chicken, of the night!
[Scene fades back to Vegeta who is randomly squirming all over the place
while Trunks is trying to hold on for his life. (Pervs…) Trunks is now
wearing a cowboy getup…he has a whip. Kinky. Anyway, Vegeta is squirming
around, and happily singing his (dare I say her…) lungs out.]
VEGETA: Pluck-a pluck-a pluck-a pluck me!
I want to be a turkey!
Take me, shake me, and bake me!
Chicken of the night!
TRUNKS: Creature of the night
BULMA: Creature of the night?
GOKU: Creature of the night
JUUHACHI-GOU: Creature of the night
KRILLIN: Creature of the night
CHICHI: Creature of the night
TRUNKS: Creature of the night!
VEGETA: Creature of the night!
[scene fades out, then fades back in a few seconds later to the big toy,
where Krillin is frantically climbing all over the playground, then finally
sliding down and running out of view. Goku is following him, pursing his lips
and reaching out in front of him, chasing poor Krillin around the room,
occasionally catching a hand or foot and kissing it. Bulma steps out
nervously, as the camera pans to follow Krillin and Goku. The scene turns
back to Bulma, who has now disappeared, and Vegeta is in her place.]
VEGETA: So…
KRILLIN: [by the TV screen that leads to the outdoor camera] Master! Bater!
We have a visitor!
VEGETA: [who is now taking a close look at the camera, Goku by his side] Hey!
Snotty!
GOKU: Excuse me?
VEGETA: Dr. Everett Snot! He was a stripper at the Denton University!
CREW MEMBER: [right after 'Snot', booing and hissing]
GOKU: Really…was he good?
VEGETA: One of the best.
KRILLIN: Master, the intruder is in the castle, wandering around aimlessly.
Shall I bring him up?
GOKU: [waving a hand] sure, whatever.
[Krillin presses a couple buttons, lifts a couple legs, pulls a couple
levers, and somehow gets Dr. Everett Snot up to the laboratory, crashing
through a wall]
VEGETA: Great Snot!
CREW MEMBER: [toilet paper is thrown from off stage] boo! Hiss!
[Suddenly, out of no-where, three tiny figures pop into the screen. They're
all in Powerpuff Girls form, 2D, with little outlined eyes and whatnot. One
has his arms crossed, and is wearing a T-shirt that says 'Mini Dan'. We
assume he is Mini Dan. The second one is a bit tubbier, wearing a napkin for
a sumo outfit. We assume he is called 'Sumo Dan'. The third is a little naked
man holding a sign that says 'censored' We assume he is 'Censored Dan'.
Suddenly, without warning, a brown haired girl, and a blonde haired guy enter
the scene, their arms locked. We assume anyone in the audience who wants to
date one of these people is screwed for life. The girl holds up a sign
labeled 'this is Jess, and Jeff'. We now suppose their names are Jess, and
Jeff. Another girl comes trotting in, her blonde-haired mini-self following
behind. The only difference between these two is that the taller, less mature
one has longer hair then the smarter, shorter one. The taller girl grabs the
microphone from off screen.]
RANDOM PERSON: Give that back you preppy!
TALLER GIRL: I'm not a preppy you stupid son of a bitch!
SHORTER GIRL: Hi…I'm Mini Kirsten. And that vulgar high school girl is Mega
Kirsten.
[The scene suddenly turns to three figures that have entered the arena. One
of them has short brown hair, and is wearing a shroom-shaped hat that has
'Mugs' printed on it boldly. The second is a short, nervous, little
Chihuahua-like girl with short light-brown hair, she has a much too big
shroom-shaped hat on that says 'Reb' on it. And the third, we recognize as
Trixie La Dixie from earlier. Too bad Kusanagi isn't here, he'd enjoy this. The
three girls get down into a fighting stance, and the three Dan's also grab a
safer stance, drawing out their fencing swords. That's not fair, the girls
don't have weapons. Jess, Jeff, Mini Kirsten, and Mega Kirsten look on as the
three Dan's, and the three girls duke it out, trading from fencing into Irish
knuckle boxing. Suddenly, the lights go out, a single spotlight floats toward
the dark figure standing on the stairs. Daniel, by Elton John suddenly starts
playing, as the spotlight finally illuminates the figure's shape. We see he
is wearing simple blue jeans, slightly torn, a multi-colored T-shirt with a
happy smiley face, with dreadlocks, advertising 'Smile mon!'. The camera
zooms up very close to note the hemp necklace. We see the man has absolutely
gorgeous dark blonde hair. Maybe you want to call it dirty blonde, maybe you
want to call it a very light brown, either way, it's just plain old
beautiful. The scene zooms in a little closer to note the magnificent forest
green eyes, the type that makes you melt. *author melts…* The screen zooms
out a little, to give a full view of the marvelous young man. We hear a gasp,
and, in a high-pitched voice, the name 'Dan!' is happily screamed. The view
blurs to the girl standing in the corner. Her own dirty-blonde hair is
hanging just past shoulder length, her eyes have turned into shiny little
hearts, and her mouth is twisted in an odd, drooling shape. Her hands are
clasped together in front of her, and, in fact, they've molded together. She
is wearing a short skirt, and a T-shirt that says 'The Author' We assume it
is me, the author. The stunning young man, the real Dan, turns toward the
girl, and gives a happy little wave.
DAN: Hi there!
[The author now faints. Dan laughs nervously, one hand behind his head. He
watches Trixie, Reb, Mugs, and the others drag the poor unconscious girl
around and dump buckets of cold water on her. Dan pauses to survey the scene,
then walks down the stairs, and stops by the fainted author. (I wonder how I
can be unconscious and still writing this…)]
DAN: [quietly] miss…author person? [The author immediately jumps up and
starts swooning over Dan again, her hands once again clasped together in
front of her. Her eyes are still hearts, and she's happily staring at Dan]
AUTHOR: Yes…? *Giggle*
DAN: So…umm…yeah. You ok?
AUTHOR: [nodding continuously] Uh huh…
DAN: So…umm…
AUTHOR: [jumping up to cling to his arm and bat her eyelashes and giggle and
do other strange schoolgirl things] Dan…
DAN: *blink, blink* Uh…yes?
AUTHOR: Can I have your autograph?
DAN: [puzzled] Uh, sure!
AUTHOR: Great! [Handing him a pen] here's a pen!
DAN: Where do you want me to sign?
AUTHOR: My forehead!
DAN: [laughing nervously, while signing his name on the author's forehead]
There you go…
AUTHOR: Dan! Guess what!
DAN: What?
AUTHOR: *Giggle* You own me now!
DAN: Really? Cool!
[the scene turns to Jess, Jeff, Trixie, Mini Kirsten, Mega Kirsten, Mugs, and
Reb who have been staring dumbfounded while this entire conversation had been
going on. They laugh nervously, they're heads turning into sweatdrops. The
Author sits down on Dan's foot, hugging his leg.]
AUTHOR: Ok! We're ready to continue the story now!
REB: Wait!
AUTHOR: [pausing to look at Reb, confusion written on her face]
TRIXIE: We need to advertise!
AUTHOR: [lifting a finger to her chin] Of course! I knew that!
[the author grabs a pencil and starts writing in her notebook, and random
things begin to appear. Suddenly, the entire screen turns black, and in place
of it, a Vegeta is seen talking to Goku, who is hovering over a drawing
board.]
VEGETA: What are you drawing?
GOKU: Just a person.
VEGETA: [glancing down on the board] In the name of all things holy and
Patricia Quinn! That man has no pants!
GOKU: [looking at his drawing] That's all right, he's fine without pants.
VEGETA: Give me the pencil so I can draw pants on him!
GOKU: [with tears in his eyes] No! He's mine! You can't draw pants on him! [A
little twig suddenly appears over his head, Vegeta leans over with a lighter,
and sets the twig on fire] I have an idea! [The twig burns up] Aww…I forgot
it…
[Goku turns back to his drawing, and doodles something else on it. The scene
quickly turns to Goku and Vegeta happily holding up a board with a little
stick figure on it, and the word 'Invisipants' written in bold letters across
the top. Under the stick figure wearing invisible pants, there is the small
caption 'actual customer'. The scene turns back to the entire group happily
smiling while happy elevator music is playing.]
AUTHOR: Remember kids, ask Santa for Invisipants this year, they're FUN!
MUGS: Like, just, like, a couple, like, more, like, advertisements!
[(Author's note: no, mugs does not talk like this. She's imitating that
really stupid bitch in that convention. Thank you, and have a nice day!)]
AUTHOR: What next?
MINI KIRSTEN: How about animals?
AUTHOR: Of course!
[The author frantically starts doodling in her notebook once again. The
screen turns black, and a few little stick figures appear in the middle of
the page.]
AUTHOR: [from off screen] All right, I'm not THAT bad at drawing!
[the stick figures turn into real people, it turns out to be the Author, Dan,
Trixie, and Reb. The scene zooms in on the group.]
TRIXIE: [with a confused, dumbfounded look on her face.] Dude…It's a llama.
AUTHOR: [with crossed arms and a 'know-it-all' attitude] No dude, it's an
ostrich.
DAN: [shaking his beyond cutely adorably perfect head] No dudettes! It's an
airplane!
REB: [in a cute high-pitched voice, with a questioning sound] Shibby?
AUTHOR: [putting her finger on her chin to show she's thinking, then nodding
confidently] Shibby.
AUTHOR, DAN, TRIXIE, and REB: [all in unison, and yelling at the top of their
lungs] SHIBBY!
[the scene fades back into the pink room where everyone is happily sitting on
the floor, making up advertisements. The actors in the…umm…fanfic, have
decided to take a coffee break, and are out in the donut shop, while the
small group of people have decided to make advertisements are sitting on the
floor, chatting and discussing ideas.]
MEGA KIRSTEN: Now what?
JEFF: How about…something happy!
JESS: [her eyes are also hearts, and she's completely drooling over Jeff] Uh
huh…
AUTHOR: [who is acting the same way with Dan] Sure!
DAN: [with a nervous look] uh…
[The author once again writes in her notebook, and, expectedly, the scene
fades to black, and Jess, Jeff, Mega Kirsten, Dan, and the Author are all
seen in the shower. And just because there are children reading this, (I'm
only three years old! Ooga booga! Not really…I act three though!) YES, they
do have towels on, they just appear naked because only they're shoulders and
heads are seen. So, moving on. Each person has a little bodywash puff,
somebody email me and tell me what those are called. Music starts playing,
and the group happily starts singing]
THE GROUP: [in unison] If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands! [the
group claps, dropping their little puffs, they pick it up again] If you're
happy and you know it, clap your hands! [the group once again claps, drops
their puffs, and pick them up again] If you're happy and you know it, then
your face will surely show it, if you're happy and you know it, clap your
hands! [the group claps, drops their puffs, and the screen fades back into
the pink laboratory]
AUTHOR: Any more supposedly naked scenes?
MINI KIRSTEN: [who's quite modest] No!
AUTHOR: [pouting] Fine.
MUGS: Now what? Hey…where did the other Dan's go?
AUTHOR: Oh, I erased them when no one was looking.
TRIXIE: Oh…right.
[Everyone is suddenly asleep except the author. She doodles in her notebook
some more, and the screen turns black. Slowly, it fades into a picture of a
woman, Trixie, sitting on a bed in a nightgown, and a strange dracula-dressed
woman, Reb, standing in front of her.]
REB: [talking to the snoring Trixie] Reinfield…you…fell asleep too soon.
Wake up! [she smacks Trixie hard on the head, and the scene fades back into
reality, everyone is now awake]
AUTHOR: I have one!
REB: Is it about me?
AUTHOR: Not at all!
[The author starts writing. The screen turns black and in place of it appears
a traditional stage. The curtain is down, and two shadows are seen behind it.
Voices are heard, voices of the author, and Trixie. They sound serious! Dun
dun dun!]
AUTHOR: If the chick can not get out of the shell, it shall die before being
born!
TRIXIE: We are the chicks! [(Author's note: we are…we are…)]
AUTHOR: The world is our egg!
TRIXIE: We are the sperm!
AUTHOR: We must break the eggshell!
[The author cackles evilly as the scene goes back to normal. She has now
legally made fun of Utena. Not that it's bad or anything, it's pretty funny.
And now Trixie squeals over Yoji in that one show…Wiess or something…Magical
dental floss rules! The author has another idea! She starts doodling in her
notebook, and the scene turns black again. A poster is shown, with dental
floss on it. The board is sliced in half with a sword, and a fight scene
between two people, Mini Kirsten and Mugs, begins. They fight, yaddy ya, Mini
Kirsten defeats Mugs, and flashes a bright, glistening white smile, and holds
up dental floss.]
MINI KIRSTEN: I use magical dental floss from hell! It really works. Go to
hell and get yours today! Hell imports lots of magical dental products.
Everyone should use dental floss! And magical dental floss is the best!
[The scene returns to normal, the author is grinning and waving around
magical dental floss from hell.]
AUTHOR: Any more?
DAN: Yes! There is one more!
[the author quickly draws in her notebook, and the screen turns black. The
Author, dressed as a large scary worm, is lying on the ground, Dan and Trixie
are standing over her…]
DAN: We killed it!
TRIXIE: We killed it!
DAN and TRIXIE: [in unison] Fuck you!
[the scene returns to normal, with Reb and Mini Kirsten covering their ears,
because they are modest little biting girls and do not like swearing.]
DAN: That wasn't the last one I was talking about…
AUTHOR: Oh…
DAN: I have another one!
AUTHOR: [with a happy look on her face, intently listening to Dan, getting
closer…and closer…and closer…] Yes?
DAN: [wondering why the author is leaning in SO close to him] It has to do
with fish!
AUTHOR: Ah yes! I know!
[Yet again, the author begins to write in her little notebook, and the screen
turns black. In it's place appears a nice little village, with nice
shit-covered people walking around. The Author is pushing a cart, loaded with
dead people, and clanging a loud gong. Other people are crawling out from
random places and putting their dead on the cart. Dan, carrying an old man on
his shoulder, walks up to the cart.]
AUTHOR: [hitting the gong] Bring out your dead!
DAN: Here's one -- nine pence.
OLD MAN: I'm not dead!
AUTHOR: What?
DAN: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
OLD MAN: I'm not dead!
AUTHOR: Here - he says he's not dead!
DAN: Yes he is.
OLD MAN: I'm not!
AUTHOR: He isn't.
DAN: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
OLD MAN: I'm getting better!
DAN: No, you're not - You'll be stone dead in a moment.
AUTHOR: Oh, I can't take him like that - it's against regulations.
OLD MAN: I don't want to go in the cart!
DAN: Oh, don't be such a baby.
AUTHOR: I can't take him…
OLD MAN: I feel fine!
DAN: Oh, do us a favor…
AUTHOR: I can't…
DAN: Well, can you hang around a couple minutes? He won't be long.
AUTHOR: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's, they've lost nine today.
DAN: Well, when is your next round?
AUTHOR: Thursday.
OLD MAN: I think I'll go for a walk.
DAN: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something you can
do?
OLD MAN: I feel happy…I feel happy. [Author hits the man over the head]
DAN: Ah, thanks very much.
[The author continues doodling, and another scene appears, this time with in
a happy little wooded area, with one knight, Dan, and other really tall
knights surrounding him.]
DAN: Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly - But
there is one small problem.
DAN: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!
RANDOM KNIGHT: Ni!
OTHERS: Ssh!
ONE KNIGHT: [whispering] Sorry.
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
OTHERS: Ni!
OTHERS: Ni!
RANDOM KNIGHT: Peng!
OTHERS: Ni!
OTHERS: Sh! Sh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any
agreements previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!
ONE KNIGHT: Ni!
ANOTHER: Peng!
ANOTHER: Sh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shut up! [to Dan] Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to
satisfy the Knights who say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
OTHERS: Neeeow ... wum ... ping!
DAN: What is this test, Knights of N... [can't say it] ... Recently Knights
of Ni!
KNIGHT: Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly. You must get us another shrubbery!
OTHER KNIGHTS: More shrubberies! More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!
DAN: Not another shrubbery -
HEAD KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a two-level effect
with a path through the middle.
OTHER KNIGHTS: A path! A little path for the late Knights of Ni! [Chorus of
'Ni! Ni!']
HEAD KNIGHT: When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.
OTHER KNIGHTS: Yes! With a herring! With a herring! Cut down with a herring!
DAN: We shall do no such thing ... let me pass!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
DAN: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
OTHER KNIGHTS: [they all recoil in horror] Oh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
DAN: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell you. Suffice to say is one of the words the
Knights of Ni! cannot hear!
DAN: How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?
HEAD KNIGHT: [cringing in fear] You said it again!
DAN: What, 'is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: [dismissively] No, no ... not 'is'!
OTHER KNIGHTS: Not 'is'! Not 'is'!
[Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.]
MISS MUG'S SINGERS: Bravely good Miss Mugs was not at all afraid To have her
eyeballs skewered ...
HEAD KNIGHT: [irritated] 'Is' is all right ... You wouldn't get far not
saying 'Is'!
TRIXIE: [who has randomly appeared out of no where] My liege! It's Miss Mugs!
HEAD KNIGHT: [covering his ears] You've said the word again!
[Miss Mugs and her singers appear in the clearing. The singers are going on
cheerfully as usual and Mugs walks in front of them, continually embarrassed
at their presence.]
SINGERS: ... and her kidneys burnt and her nipples skewered off ... [Mugs
holds her hand up for silence.]
DAN: Miss Mugs! [He shakes her hand warmly.]
MUGS: My liege! It's good to have found you again ...
HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!
DAN: Where are you going good Miss Mugs?
MUGS' SINGERS: [starting up again] He was going home ... he was giving up, He
was throwing in the sponge.
MUGS: [to singers] Shut up! No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I
certainly wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ... er
thing ... in this forest.
DAN: No ... it lies beyond this forest.
HEAD KNIGHT: Stop saying the word!
OTHER KNIGHTS: Stop saying the word! The word we cannot hear! The word ...
DAN: [losing his patience with the fearful Knights of 'NI'] Oh, stop it!
[Terrific confusion amongst the Knights of 'NI', they roll on the ground
covering their ears. The Head Knight remains standing trying to control his
men.]
OTHER KNIGHTS: They're all saying the word ...
HEAD KNIGHT: Stop saying it. AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...
OTHER KNIGHTS: You've said it! Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... We're all
saying it.
[Dan beckons to Trixie and Mugs and they pick their way through the helpless
Knights of 'NI' and away into the forest.]
[The author stops writing, and the scene fades back to the entire group, who
are happily watching the entire scene]
<
JESS: So…that was good.
TRIXIE: Yes!
REB: Ni! Ni!
ENTIRE GROUP: [in random unison, they start yelling 'Ni']
AUTHOR: Icky icky icky pukong ruu boing!
ENTIRE GROUP: *gasp!* [after a pause, everyone starts saying 'icky icky icky
pukong ruu boing']
[the entire group slowly starts up the stairs, bringing along lawn chairs so
they can sit up on the balcony and watch the…err…fanfic…firsthand. And now,
the scene turns to Goku, Bulma, Vegeta, Dr. Everett Snot, who is really
Gohan, and Juuhachi-gou, Krillin, Chichi, and Trunks, sitting around a table,
and preparing to eat.]
GOKU: And now, before we eat, we should pray.
KRILLIN and JUUHACHI-GOU: [in unison] Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub,
yeah G-D!
[The dinner scene continues, until Gohan asks about Juunana-gou…]
GOHAN: So…where's Juunana-gou?
CREW MEMBER: Hey people, what's for dinner?
RANDOM PEOPLE: Meatloaf!
GOKU: How do you know of Juunana-gou, Dr. Snot?
GOHAN: Rule one, I'm not Snot. Rule two, I just do, it's in the script.
[music starts up, and Gohan clears his throat]
GOHAN: From the day he was made
He was a violet shade
He was the fence
In his cousin's ankle
The cousin attempted
OX KING: [sitting quietly] But he never got disinfected
GOHAN: He left home on Thursday
From the day he was on the road
All he cherished
Was swing dancing scorns
And a tricycle
Petting little animals
OX KING: [he's quiet, something's wrong…] He was a low down cheap little skunk
GOHAN: Making everyone, plug their nose!
RANDOM PEOPLE: When Juu-kun said he didn't have fun
You knew he was a screwed up kid
But when he threatened to ride
The merry-go-round
GOKU: What a droid
VEGETA: Makes you whine
GOHAN: And I did
CHICHI: Everybody liked him
I very nearly hated him
I said 'hey listen, android
Get away! You sick humanoid!'
But he didn't really
Want to leave
GOHAN: But he must've been pulled
Into something sharp
Making him tell me
In a letter which reads
RANDOM PEOPLE: What's it say? What's it say?
JUUNANA-GOU: I'm out of my batteries
Oh hurry, or I may loose power
They mustn't carry out their evil weeds!
RANDOM PEOPLE: When Juu-kun said he didn't have fun
You knew he was a screwed up kid
But when he threatened to ride
The merry-go-round
GOKU: What a droid
VEGETA: Makes you whine
GOHAN: And I did
RANDOM PEOPLE: When Juu-kun said he didn't have fun
You knew he was a screwed up kid
But when he threatened to ride
The merry-go-round
GOKU: What a droid
RANDOM PEOPLE: Whoa ho ho…
VEGETA: Makes you whine
RANDOM PEOPLE: hey, hey, hey…
GOHAN: And I did
RANDOM PEOPLE: Juunana-gou….
[the scene slowly pulls back, and everyone pauses for a minute, then Goku
pulls off the table cloth, revealing Barney, trapped in the glass of the
table. Everyone screams, and Vegeta runs to Trunks. Goku gets jealous, and
goes after Vegeta, slapping him and running after him, music starts playing.]
GOKU: I'll tell you uno times
I won't tell you dos times
You'd better watch out, for land mines
They really aren't, all that nice
You'd better watch out, for land mines
I've given you a map, it should help
You're as stupid as a clump of kelp
Wound up like an octopus on weed
When they made it, did you hear a child scream?
You got to run, or take my advice
You'd better watch out, for land mines
The Transducer will seduce ya!
VEGETA: My tail! I can't move my tail!
GOHAN: My eyes! My god, I can't move my eyes! [This is the author's lawyer
speaking. The author has no clue how Gohan and Bulma appeared up here, they
just did, magic, ok? It's late! I want to finish this today! I'm tired! So
sue me! Not really! Just a figure of speech!]
BULMA: It's as if we're glued to the spot!
GOKU: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
VEGETA: Oh, I'm shaking in my little space boots.
GOKU: It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind-fuck can be nice
BULMA: Well…actually…
GOHAN: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine
This sonic transducer - it is, I suppose, some kind of Audio-vibratory,
physiomolecular transport device
BULMA: You mean…
GOHAN: Yes, Bulma. It's a vibrator.
VEGETA: You mean, he's going to seduce us again?
GOKU: Transducer, Medusa!
You'd better watch out, for land mines
You'd better watch out
Build your guts up
You'd better watch out
OX KING: [something is still not right!] And then she screamed out
VEGETA: Stop, I mean…help!
[the scene fades out, and suddenly, the entire world goes black. Then,
slowly, music starts playing, and a stage appears. The curtain is raised, and
stone figures in strange poses are seen. There are eleven of them. Slowly,
the lights come on, and we now see that the figures are, or possibly
resemble, Vegeta, Bulma, Trunks, Chichi, and the Author, Dan, Jess, Jeff,
Mega Kirsten, Trixie, and Mugs. And that makes eleven. A light is shone on
them, clearly revealing their outfits. They are wearing fishnets and thongs,
a strange looking vest-like shirt, short sleeved, with a few strings holding
it up at the top, the bottom of it just about reaches stomach-level, just the
way Goku likes it. They're also wearing color-changing high-heels, and a
crown made of leaves, twigs, berries, and feathers. They're all wearing
strange make-up, and surprisingly, it looks better on the men. Music soon
starts up, and Goku takes his place by the de-medusatizer. He pulls the
lever, and Vegeta is the first to get de-medusatized. He starts singing.
(Author's warning: this is going to be the longest damn floor show in
history!)]
VEGETA: It was great when it all began
I was a regular wrestling fan
But it was over when they censored Stan
And started showing reruns of 'Invisible Man'
If I'd just like to stay clean
My hatred of that CNN machine
Rose tints my world
Keeps me safe from culture and news
[Goku, being happy and giddy, watches Vegeta strike a pose by the corner, the
de-medusatizes one of the Author's buddies. Mega Kirsten is up for sale…]
MEGA KIRSTEN: Like Winnie the Pooh, I am
Those who love me, get some spam
I really like to jam
To sheeps, shells and a ram
That band is called My Rear
Truly, it'll break your ear
Oh dear, I didn't swear!
I'll fix that, you son of a mare
[While Mega Kirsten takes a pose on the opposite side of Vegeta, Goku
de-medusatizes Jeff.]
JEFF: I'm just twelve weeks old
Truly talented, I work with mold
And somebody should be told
I really can't stay afloat
Now, the only thing I really trust
Is a seductive temptress, go lust
Rose tints my world
Keeps me safe from school sex ed
[Yet again, Jeff goes and strikes a pose beside Vegeta, while Goku switches
the lever to free ChiChi]
CHICHI: I really am a bitch
I know, I won't switch
It's fun, to make people twitch
And yell and scream out loud
While the people, run about
Now what I really know
Is not, to let go
I really am a bitch
If you want, call me a witch
[Once more, Chichi walks over and strikes a pose beside Mega Kirsten, who
scoots over a bit, afraid of the scary lady. We all are scared of the scary
lady. Moving on, Goku de-medusatizes Jess.]
JESS: I feel repossessed
Bad times decompressed
My confidence has released
All of my energy
The game has just begun
My mind has gotta run
It's great that Jeff has landed
His lust is so sincere
[While the author cackles evilly, Jess goes and strikes a sexy pose using
Jeff as her…umm…victim? Yet again, the author cackles evilly. Now, Goku
looks over to a worthy opponent, he de-medusatizes Bulma.]
BULMA: I need to be rebuilt
Need to get rid of this guilt
Yet again, Yamcha has cheated
I no longer felt needed
So I ran, to that Saiyan
Created uproar and mayhem
Made life, complicated the story
Sure enough, I got on 'Maury'
[As Bulma walks over to strike a pose beside Chichi and Mega Kirsten, Goku
once again de-medusatizes another victim, this time, it's Trixie]
TRIXIE: I really like chicken
I like to bake it in the kitchen
I want to feel needed
Not repeated
No copying, no hoax
Nobody going to bribe me with cokes
Actually I'm lying, they probably will
Oh well, its going on they're bill!
[Trixie runs over to strike an extremely sexy pose using Vegeta as a model to
hold her. The author cackles again. Goku de-medusatizes Trunks. And for a
just-created-monster-from-hell, he's pretty damn good at singing!]
TRUNKS: It's right by me
Help me, Bulma!
I'll whip you, you'll see
Don't take my weapon away
What will I feel
I don't know
Sexual appeal
What a go! Woo, here we go again!
[Trunks runs over by Mega Kirsten, Bulma, and Chichi. The girls immediately
start swooning over him. Poor Trunks in gold undies, he's being molested by
his mother. The show goes on! Goku de-medusatizes Mugs, and she begins
dancing around]
MUGS: I feel deported
My mind is distorted
It's weird, y'know
All I want to do is go
I really, don't know where
Let there be hot guys and hair
God, please let this happen
I don't want to stuck mappin'
In world geography!
[(author: this is a signal to Mr. Lyke that he should just perhaps change his
schedule a little so we students don't have to be stuck mapping and taking
notes. I sleep a lot in that class. The desk is comfy. Moving on) While Mugs
takes a pose beside the hot little Trunks, swooning over him also. Goku
de-medusatizes Dan. The author drools over Dan in fishnets. The author
cackles evilly and hugs her pencil. Moving on…]
DAN: I'm a hottie
Yes I know, everybody
Swoons over me like
There's no tomorrow
I don't mind really
It's their sorrow
The author seems to like me
In that case, 'cest la vie!
I'm really cute, I know
But now, I gotta go!
So don't cry
Don't die
I'll be back
RANDOM GIRL: What a guy! [(author: actually, that was probably me)]
[Since the author has written Dan in, and unconciously talks about him and
swoons over him every minute of her life, she has decided to write herself in
too! Well, here we go. As Dan takes a simple…yet so…so…SO sexy pose in the
middle of the floor. By the way, if you have noticed that Mini Kirsten, and
Reb, are not in the floor show, that is because they're modest people and do
not like to dance around semi-naked in front of really hot guys. Goku
de-medusatizes the author, on with the show]
AUTHOR: I'm really in a rut
People think, I'm a slut
But that's ok, honestly
Truly, I have no modesty
Dressing up is a pastime
Don't waste, a good mime
They're really cool, you'll see
Shooting them, is a breeze
Target practice is fun
Watch out, there goes another one!
Anyway, I'm just strange
But don't call me weird!
I have good aim
Honestly, I don't bite
Hard…
[The author now takes a sexy pose by Dan, still swooning over him and
drooling over him and what not. Gee, I hope Dan appreciates all this, because
just to make a point, he is WAY cuter, and I DO love him more. Anyway, on
with the show. Mist suddenly appears out of no where, and the spotlight fades
to up on the ceiling, where Goku is standing on a diving board. He is wearing
fishnets, a thong, and a leather vest, including scary make-up and a whip. He
dives down into a pool that just randomly appeared out of no where, and soon,
the eleven floor show contestants join him. While he whips them into
synchronized swimming, which appears to more of a pool orgy then swimming, he
starts to sing, while soft music backs up his darn bad voice.]
GOKU: Whatever happened to Dustin Murry?
That delicate, great fan of Tim Curry
As it clung to his thigh, how we started to cry
Ape shit doesn't wash off very easy
Give yourself over to absolute solitude
Swim the ice-cold salty waters of the Pacific…
Erotic daydreams, and toothbrushes too
Dental floss and hygiene to treasure forever
Can't you just see it. Whoa ho ho!
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
[the entire group now grabs they're partner, and, arm-in-arm, they dance
softly, ballerina-type. And it goes kind of like this. First, they grab a
partner and line up in two rows, then, the guys pick up they're partner, and
the girls gently touch hands as they're lifted above the guy's heads, this
creates a bridge-effect. Next, the men spin outward, and slowly set the girls
down, they spin around slowly, and it starts over. Why this goes on, we don't
know. The author saw it in some movie.]
RANDOM PEOPLE: [while dancing…] Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
Got mojo, fellow mofo
GOHAN: Arg! We've got to stop, making processed cheese
Before this horror, gets to the next generation
I've got to be strong, and try to hang on
As processed cheese takes over our lives
We will snap, and live, for the thrills
Of processed cheese
GOKU: Got mojo, fellow mofo
[the music abruptly stops, and suddenly, it is all silent. Then, with one
beat of a drum, the entire crowd goes wild]
GOKU: Ooga boo booga booga boo
Ooga ooga boo boogie boo
Ooga ooo boogie boogie boo
I'm a strange and a weird old guy
I'm an owner with a deadly fly
You get a rush and switch to rye
You'll get hurt and start to cry
So let whole wheat bread live on
We'll make it 'til the resources are gone
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from rye bread and pain
[Goku motions to the others, and they soon form a line, and start doing the
cancan randomly. If you want to dance like them, then just follow these
simple instructions. With a big group, take four large steps to the left,
kick on the fifth, then four steps to the left, kick on the fifth. And
continue on in this manner. This is dancing at it's best. Moving on, now the
entire group joins Goku, and they start to do that dance, they all sing
together. Randomly, out of no where, Gohan and Ryan appear out of no where,
now the couples are happily dancing by each other. Vegeta and Bulma, Jess and
Jeff, Trixie and Ryan, Goku and Chichi, Mugs and Gohan, Mega Kirsten and
Trunks, and the author's personal favorite, Dan and the author. J]
We're a strange and a weird old guy
We're an owner with a deadly fly
You get a rush and switch to rye
You'll get hurt and start to cry
So let whole wheat bread live on
We'll make it 'til the resources are gone
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from rye bread and pain
We're a strange and a weird old guy
We're an owner with a deadly fly
You get a rush and switch to rye
You'll get hurt and start to cry
So let whole wheat bread live on
We'll make it 'til the resources are gone, gone, gone
Rose tint my world
Keep me safe from rye bread and pain,
[Suddenly, the doors to the stage room burst open, and Krillin and
Juuhachi-gou appear out of no where, bringing along some mist. They're hair
is put up weird, and they're both wearing futuristic kinky costumes from
Austin Powers. Krillin is carrying a hickory stick with him. He begins
singing, badly, he sings badly. The author is sorry, he just does.]
KRILLIN: Goku-furter, it's all over
Your IQ is a failure
Your school was just to easy
I'm your new teacher
You now are my student
We'll begin the lessons now
Prepare the slide show
[The author doodles in her notebook. The scene cuts off, and everyone is seen
sitting down in chairs up on the stage, with notebooks and pencils at hand.
They're waiting patiently for the slide to begin, and they're eagerly looking
forward to whatever Krillin and Juuhachi-gou have to advertise. Suddenly, the
lights go out, and the projector is turned on. The entire screen turns black,
and Krillin and Juuhachi-gou, holding a poster board appear out of no where.
They smile nervously, and tap the poster board, which says 'Dr. Snot's Sex Ed
Refresher Courses. 507 19th Ave. NW, Denton, Texas. Call 1-800-GET LAID to
sign up!' (Author's note: and no, there is no place like this, although as
soon as I get my lazy ass into congress, I'll make sure to contact people and
get a school like this started). Krillin clears his throat, and begins
speaking.]
KRILLIN: Plain old school Sex Ed bringing you down?
JUUHACHI-GOU: Come to Dr. Snot's Sex Ed Refresher courses! The REAL Sex Ed!
KRILLIN: With team projects…
JUUHACHI-GOU: Visual aids…
KRILLIN: And of course, the student's favorites…
JUUHACHI-GOU: Oral reports!
KRILLIN: Dr. Snot's courses offer new foundations for student's to explore!
JUUHACHI-GOU: No discrimination of the sexes, both male and female students
are urged to come!
KRILLIN: And parents, if you're worried about the right education for your
son or daughter…
JUUHACHI-GOU: Don't be!
KRILLIN: Dr. Snot's courses offer complete coverage of the birds and bees.
JUUHACHI-GOU: Our students gladly take notes, and study hard when oral exams
come up.
KRILLIN: And good news parents, you can study too!
JUUHACHI-GOU: Each of the students will receive a book, from which to study,
the popular Kama Sutra!
KRILLIN: Our motto is 'Make love, not war!'
JUUHACHI-GOU: Dr. Snot's Sex Ed Refresher courses, where the students are
teachers, and the teachers are students!
KRILLIN: Your child will learn something new every day!
JUUHACHI-GOU: They might even be eager enough to demonstrate!
KRILLIN: We have beginner's courses, nice and slow, where we go step-by-step
into specific detail.
JUUHACHI-GOU: And even advanced courses, where we take the students to a new
level and teach them new things used for everyday life!
KRILLIN: We expect our students to work hard, take notes, and have fun,
study, and occasionally practice what they have learned.
JUUHACHI-GOU: So students, listen up!
KRILLIN: Sign up for Dr. Snot's Sex Ed Refresher courses today! And get laid!
JUUHACHI-GOU: So call 1-800-GET LAID!
KRILLIN: What's that number again?
JUUHACHI-GOU: 1-800-GET LAID!
KRILLIN: So sign up now, we want YOU!
*Juuhachigou's (WebMaster's) Note: I'm a teacher/student/Asst. Principal at this school!
::sniff::.... I love it!*
[The screen turns black, and then fades back into a the stage room, where
everyone in the room is eagerly signing up for Dr. Snot's Sex Ed Refresher
courses. And yes, the author is a shameless, sick, twisted pervert. And
proud. Moving on. The screen turns black, and then slowly, a white dot
appears in the middle of the black screen. It grows bigger, until the entire
screen is white, slowly, a picture appears. A church, with misty floors
appears. Candles are everywhere, and in the center, are eight couples. Eight
handsome men in black and white tuxedos stand on the left side, arm-in-arm
with eight gorgeous brides dressed in white. Music starts up, and the couples
kneel down as the minister steps up to the altar. He stares at them for a
minute, then lifts a hand. A group of forty girls dressed in see-through
flower-embroidered, torn dresses, twenty girls on each side, walk down
silently, throwing flower petals around. The minister raises the other hand,
and organ music plays. He violently pulls his hands as far away from each
other as possible, the couples split apart and face each other. The minister
steps off the altar, and walks down the isle, in between each of the couples.
He stops at the first couple, and puts a small white cube in the brides
mouth, then doing the same to the groom. He continues down the line, stopping
at every couple to put a cube in their mouths. (Author's note: If you've seen
the musical 'Hair', you'll know what those cubes are!) Finally, he reaches
the end of the line, turns around, and walks back to the altar. He then looks
at the eager couples, all with their eyes closed, savoring the effects of the
cubes. He nods, and, even though their eyes were closed, all the couples lean
forward and kiss. They all stand up, and walks bravely to the altar in two
straight lines. The minister hands the first couple a glass of red wine, and
proceeds to give the other seven couples also, a glass of red wine. They
proceed to a big bowl, which has a small fire in it. All the couples holding
the wine in between them, carefully, silently, took a sip of the wine all at
the same time. The minister waved a hand, and the couples happily dumped the
final contents of the wine on the fire, and it roared up in a giant blaze.]
MINISTER: I now pronounce all of you, husband, and wife.
[There was much rejoicing. Then they all got shot. The end. Ha! Tricked ya!
No, not really. The couples kissed again, and, in one final attempt to party,
the forty flower girls and forty random guys came running out of no where,
and started wildly dancing, while the minister grabbed a boom box and dropped
in a tape. Suddenly, the door breaks down, and Sheila, Berger, Claude,
Jeannie, Hud, and Woof, all come running into the room. All wearing what they
wore in that wonderful musical, 'Hair'. Berger runs over to the minister and
grabs the basket of cubes, and passes them out to his friends. They all gorge
themselves on the cubes, then turn they're attention to the music. Berger,
with a smirk of his, turns the room into a dance floor. The music abruptly
stops, and the forty flower girls start randomly singing while Berger, Hug,
Wood, Claude, Sheila, and Jeannie spend they're time spinning around and
marveling at the brides/grooms. Soon enough, the girls are leading the song
along with Sheila and Jeannie, while the men occasionally drop in a deep bass
tune now and then.]
Good morning starshine, the earth says "Hello"
You twinkle above us, we twinkle below
Good morning starshine, you lead us along
My love and me as we sing our early morning singing song
Gliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla
Nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song
Good morning starshine, the earth says "Hello"
You twinkle above us, we twinkle below.
Good morning starshine, you lead us along,
My love and me as we sing our early morning singing song.
Gliddy glup gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla
Nooby abba nabba
Early morning singing song
Singing a song, humming a song, singing a song,
Loving a song, laughing a song, singing a song
Sing the song, song the sing.
Song, song, song, sing, sing, sing, singsong.
Song, song, song, sing, sing, sing, singsong.
[The author wipes away a tear. You'll find out why later. Anyway, Berger
whispers something to the minister, and the song slows down completely. The
screen turns black quickly, then turns white again, as the scenery changes.
Berger has disappeared, and there is a monument in the middle of a group of
people. First, Sheila, Claude, Hud, Woof, and Jeannie surround the memorial,
then, the newly wed couples, and last, the forty flower girls and forty
random men. They all kneel down and place gifts around the monument, then
stand up, hold hands in a big winding circle, and then sing softly, as the
music picks up, and the very last song of the world begins.]
Empty spaces - what are we waiting for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on
Does anybody know what we are looking for?
Another hero another mindless crime
Behind the curtain in the pantomime
Hold the line
Does anybody want to take it anymore?
The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Whatever happens I'll leave it all to chance
Another heartache another failed romance
On and on
Does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I'm learning
I must be warmer now
I'll soon be turning round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free
The show must go on
The show must go on - yeah
Ooh inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on
Yeah oh oh oh
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly - my friends
The show must go on - yeah
The show must go on
I'll face it with a grin
I'm never giving in
On with the show
I'll top the bill
I'll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the
On with the show
The show must go on
[The people slowly file out of the room, and the scene closes in on the
monument. Carved into the marble, are the sad words 'We love you Sparky' and
below it, 'We'll always miss you Freddie'. Ironic, isn't it? How two
wonderful people could just disappear? White light shines from behind the
grave, and slowly, the screen fades into black, as a last few notes begin to
play, softly, barely heard…]
A hand above the water
An angel reaching for the sky
Is it raining in heaven -
Do you want us to cry?
And everywhere the broken-hearted
On every lonely avenue
No-one could reach them
No-one but you
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on -
Without you...
Another Tricky Situation
A get to drowin' in the Blues
And I find myself thinkin'
Well - what would you do?
Yes! - It was such an operation
Forever paying every due
Hell, you made a sensation
You found a way through - and
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
We'll remember -
Forever...
And now the party must be over
I guess we'll never understand
The sense of your leaving
Was it the way it was planned?
And so we grace another table
And raise our glasses one more time
There's a face at the window
And I ain't never, never sayin' goodbye...
One by one
Only the Good die young
They're only flyin' too close to the sun
Cryin' for nothing
Cryin' for no-one
No-one but you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Author's last words:
Well, there you have it. My successful million page DBZ/Rocky Horror cross
over. And yes, there were other things in there, like Monty Python and Dude,
Where's my car?, but in the end, it was mostly DBZ and Rocky Horror. If
you're reading this with an angry outlook, then don't be a cranky-pants a
flame me. I told you there was swearing. I told you there was sick perverted
thoughts. Yes I'm a sick, juvenile, whiny little girl. And damn proud! I got
it from my friend, the world should bow down to A-chan! But moving on. Yeah,
I am sort of proud of this fanfic. It took a while. I write in a specific
mood, and I need to get back in that mood to make the story work, and that
happens rarely. But yeah, anyway. So, how'd you like it? Email me at
Goku17QT@aol.com and tell me what you think. Go ahead and flame me if you
want. Those are amusing to read. Constructive criticism is fun too, but just
plain old grouchy bastard criticism I don't like. So don't expect me to be
nice when I reply if you send me anything like that. And just because I'm a
sick perv does not mean you can freely send me porn sites. I'm not into that.
You want to send someone porn, send it to yourself. Or to A-chan, she
appreciates those things. Speaking of A-chan again, I suppose now I'm
supposed to give a hearty-thank you speech to all those people that helped me
through this. Thank you myself. Not really, I'm not that selfish. Well, here
goes my separate thank you letters.
Big thanks to A-chan. Known as 'Trixie' in this story. A-chan, I could've
never done it without you. We come up with most of the strange, sick, goofy
perverted stuff that was in the fanfic during lunch. We love lunch. And just
because I'm being extremely nice and advertising things today, visit her
sites, http://juuhachigou53.tripod.com, http://dbzromance.tripod.com.
So, thanks yet again A-chan. (JN: <~~~~ ME!)
Great big thanks to all the people I got to manipulate. Thanks to Reb, Mugs,
and Mini Kirsten, poor children. Thanks to Jess, n Jeff…who hardly knows me,
and now I hope he knows to be afraid, and thanks to Mega Kirsten. I had a
great time thinking all this up. Fun times manipulating you people too. Thank
you Sarah for encouraging me to ask for the scary people to pass the butter.
Thanks Mr. Akira Toriyama for making up this DBZ stuff so I can manipulate
the characters! That was fun too! Actually, *whispers…* I'm not into anime
that much anymore… *gets beaten by an angry mob* Yeah, it's true, I'm not a
anime freak no more…I just manipulate characters because it's fun, and I like
to look at anime pics. *nod nod* pretty fanart. Anyway, yup, thanks you anime
people.
I save the best for last. Much thanks to Dan! Though he hardly knew anything
was going on, I love the man to pieces and I surely wouldn't be alive without
him, so if any of you thought to read this, or if anyone felt like liking my
story, blame it on Dan. It's his fault I'm alive. J But yes yes, I love the
man more then anything in the entire universe and I don't think I'll ever
stop. So…moving on. Now we have those last touching moments where I tell
everyone what the heck I was meaning by all those sad songs in the end.
Hugs n loves to the late Gerome Ragni. Everyone loves Sparky! Even much more
hugs n loves to Freddie Mercury. Just because he's a damn good guy, what a
talented, talented man. And even more hugs n loves to the late Cinnamon. Yes,
he was just a cute little furry multi-colored guinea pig. But he was always
that little man I talked to when I was alone. So thankies to him too. And
just plain old loves n hugs n kisses n whatnots to Dan, just cause he
deserves it. One last song for them. Thankies peoples! (by the way… those
cubes…they were in Hair. 'long live LSD cubes!' Lol.)
There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever....?
There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever?
When love must die
But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today
Who waits forever anyway?